It's 4:30 on Tuesday, Nov. 3rd, which is significant if one plans to participate in NaNoWriMo. I've spent most of the day organizing Hub's maddening sock drawer and uploading photos to Facebook. At one point I considered discarding FB - it's a time sucker and my brain's not geared that way (I barely even get on). FB's immediacy is scary - the instant I post anything, there are comments (not that it matters). I'd be better off posting a cry for help on FB than use a cell phone. I'd achieve greater simultaneous coverage and have a better chance at being rescued. So I'm keeping the account, removing the privacy cloak, and actually trying to be social. Sort of. I posted some photos, a drop in the bucket compared to my Vox posts. Coming here to read my long-winded rants seems to pain non-Voxers...but I like that about it. And I like this format (even though it seems increasingly unstable, Vox!)...so until I figure out my WordPress situation, here I stay.
It's been so long since my last real post. The many various and sundry things that rolled around in my brain the last month have evaporated into the ether. I just wonder if I can really do NaNoWriMo. I tried it back in '06, right after I was diagnosed, but couldn't escape the grip that death and cancer had on my imagination. I'm still somewhat in that grip -- I had a scan two weeks ago and have the oncology appointment tomorrow. There was a slight decrease in the left lung tumor, but no mention of the right lung activity seen in July. I don't think Tarceva's as aggressive as my doctor would like to be, but we're conscious of diminishing options in chemo. So there's some concern.
I feel like an idiot for wasting my six-month chemo break on house hunting. I look back on the futility of it all and get angry, which isn't a way I get anymore. The realtor emailed last night, asking if we wanted to start again, and I wanted to flip her off. She irritated me during that last ordeal, and I'm done with her, although she stuck it out for 8 months with us. We found all the houses, and all she had to do was open a few doors and write up the offers (9). It wasn't for lack of trying and I could feel bad, but I really don't. I feel worse about wasting my good health on such an activity. (Yes, I also feel bad about housework but I get immediate gratification from that)
We're on hiatus from house hunting. It's trade show and holiday season, so there's travelling to be done (YAY!). I bought a wardrobe from IKEA (after two years I now have a closet), a dutch oven (not a Le Creuset, so tune in for reviews), and seriously, it's time for a new bed, premium cable channels, and faster internet. I could pass away before we buy a house, so I should enjoy the amenities of a home, here. Now. Also, I bought some lovely mugs from the Danville Crafts Fair, made by Oakland potter Rose Lee.
I slow-roasted almost all the Roma tomatoes from the garden (1 plant). Takes all day, but they taste incredible, truly.
We planted late - in April, after realizing the house hunt might take longer - so there are some stragglers left. They're all pale, rather vampirish-looking things. I should pick them and put them out of their misery.
What else? Watched some movies...saw Where The Wild Things Are at the Alameda Theatre (designed by Timothy Pflueger of Paramount and Castro Theatre fame). Beautiful art deco theatre, convenient to all things Alameda.
Started a number of books (see sidebar). I think my favorite is The Book Thief...
Maybe I should just concentrate on posting more often. Not sure I have 1800 words/day in me. Hoping everyone's enjoying a lovely autumn, with spiced cider, turning leaves, and the promise of comfort to warm cold days ahead.
...at Feel Good Bakery in the Alameda Marketplace!!!!
I used to call it Feel Bad Bakery because the staff were so grumpy and unfriendly. Well they still are but I have to put up with it AND pay $2/piece for these suckers because they are SOOOO GOOOOOOD. Especially the blackberry ones (lavender, in the middle there). The green tea and chocolate orange ones are interesting, as well.
They are, however, a bit too sweet, and slightly larger than Miette's (which lack the bright colors and are $1.50/piece but the buttercream filling is delicious!).
Can you say HEAVEN?
It's been a strange two weeks. I might've posted sooner (or maybe not) but my Mom was here. For some reason I was exhausted every night and pretty busy all day--- and could be busy still, but the cold mornings and dry air (yep, it's fall) make me want to wear fleece and drink tea. If I can hold my head up for a few minutes I might be able to post something.
It's been a week and a day since I backed out of contract for a house in Pinole. Yes, it's amazing, we finally got an offer accepted, and no wonder. I lost my mind for a moment and offered way too much (freakin' bidding wars) --- it seemed ok at first, but upon further ($600!) inspection...the beauty turned out to be a beast. IF the Hubster had been along, he might've identified it as such, but he's been on the road for 3 weeks so of course the little defects I noticed were actually Large Defects. On the telephone he kept saying, "All I'm worried about are the roof and the foundation. We can take care of everything else." Well yeah, sort of.
I'd rather cough up 15k for a roof than 15k for a new furnace/AC unit plus have an asbestos abatement company remove the 1968 ductwork, plus have new ductwork done. The owner ran the original 1968 furnace, which deposited sooty shadows on the walls of the cathedral ceilings. Since the ducts looked jacked, who knows what other health hazardous material was blowing around that needs to be cleaned up (lead paint, asbestos). The electrical was substandard...and let's not talk about the bathrooms. They looked ok, but hidden behind the walls was a gut job. And on and on, all the way to the failing retaining wall in the backyard, which eventually would be a pain in the ass. Still, if someone had the time and about 90k, it could be a good value. As long as we don't have a magnitude 7 earthquake, it'll remain standing for years to come.
Those 60's-70's ranchers apparently don't have wall bracing. They were constructed using this stuff called Linewire, paper with wire running through it, and stucco over that, and sometimes siding. That's right, it's the Three Little Pigs' house. Developers thought they'd do better in earthquakes. Not. So none of those walls have bracing, nor are they bolted to the foundation by today's standards. And there's more, but my mind reels with the sound of cash registers and construction.
I don't think our realtor is speaking to us any longer. I haven't heard from her or seen the voided deposit check, though I sent the cancellation form a week ago. This is the second house we were under contract in for just one day. On the day we cancelled, we decided to take a break from 8 months of house hunting. I'm hoping the tax credit is extended, although list prices seemed inflated because of it. Anyway, time to refocus and restrategize...
It's tempting to spend money now during this little break, but I think what's in order is to make this hole we've lived in for 2 years more comfortable. I'm tired of living out of the coat closet. Time for storage solutions, a new bed, and some heavy curtains to keep the chill out (damn old windows and doors!). Time to read, relax, cook more lemony things, drink tea and eat pistachio macarons...
As told by The Modfather
How is it that I can't steal a few minutes to post each day? I really ought to. Things get away from you when you wait too long---
The cancer situation:
After the July 16 scan showed new nodules in my right lung, I was referred to UC Davis for a consult and possible participation in a clinical trial. They took FOREVER (over a month) to review my records and give me an appointment. When they finally called, my appointment was the next day. And after all that, I got a "Fellow" who did the entire work-up, and got the main oncologist, who answered questions for 10 minutes. All they really want is to recruit - no interest at all in what's going on with you. He said, "You should be the poster child for lung cancer", as he was leaving the room. He seemed surprised I was so chipper, and the trial coordinator asked if I wanted a job! Problem is, with the Fellow and trial coordinator also in the room, I don't see how the doc could ever say something like, "This isn't very promising - don't do it." In not so many words he suggested returning to Tarceva as a single agent if I hadn't progressed.
I went on Tarceva (one of the cancer drugs I was on the past 2 years) as a single agent six weeks after my scan. It's Day 17 and still no rash, whose appearance and severity supposedly indicates its effectiveness. I'm getting worried that it no longer works, but overall pain has diminished, which I don't think is purely subjective. The accompanying fatigue is something I don't recall from last time, but maybe I felt so crappy I was just happy to breathe. If I have to move on, the next plan is a clinical trial (which can be scary, especially since I was in the "placebo arm" last time). The doc thinks the Halichondrin B trial at Davis, but I have other ideas. I'd rather do a targeted therapy (another inhibitor of some kind, like XL-184 or BIBW 2992, which isn't being tested anywhere near), and save the systemic chemos for last. It's difficult, trying to come up with a treatment sequence that balances quality of life with extension of overall survival. Research measures significance in increments, like 2 months. In real life one measures significance more in terms of quality of time, rather than length.
Recent brain MRI is clean, which is a relief for now. I was getting some crushing headaches for awhile. Also, three cheers for Naomi and Carolyn, whose continued strength, survival, and amazing characters keep me sane and inspired.
Househunting:
Still trying, though it's even more difficult now that my focus is on treatment and hubster's is on the string of non-stop, month-long work events that occurs each fall. Neither the hubs nor I care that much that we lost on offer #8 (large, half acre, end of the road). Maybe we're not really serious...It's just hard to do this when one person's perpetually gone and the other doesn't have alot of energy. Anyway nothing even approaches the disappointment of losing the house with the pool and outdoor kitchen. I bucked the idea of a pool for awhile, but I've reconsidered. These days I don't like to swim in open water because I can't rely on my lungs. Perhaps I don't trust others to save me, either, because most people are too busy enjoying themselves in the water with you to realize you've cramped or whatever and are going down. I suppose I could wear a lifejacket and fins, just to aid the confidence level, but building endurance is a priority regardless. So I'm all for a pool, now.
What else? The gardener pruned my sister's lemon tree and rather than waste so much fruit, I've been making (Morroccan) preserved lemons, lemon marmalade, lemon curd, lemon chutney, lemon ice cubes...I'll get to the Limoncello eventually...
It's a huge time-sucker, canning stuff. It's also therapeutic in a strange way. However, I now need a bomb shelter to store all this stuff.
The hubster's constant travels have a strange effect on my daily living. When he's home, I can't seem to relax---I'm in constant motion, and I'm tired. Is it the cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands? True, I don't cook or do much laundry when he's gone, but somehow I find time to sit out on the deck, blog, read, watch a movie, and still accomplish the hundred other things I'm supposed to do. The tv is OFF, which is relaxing.
Inspite of this, I miss him terribly when he's gone. After a couple of days on my own, I'm usually rested or more exhausted by some random activity, and I'd rather have him around. While he sits around playing Guitar Hero or Wii, he asks why I won't join him. The response is usually, You want dinner (lunch, clean clothes, etc.), or you want me to play games?
Finally, it's been a tough month all around. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones.
I don't need reminders of my own mortality, but it makes me reflect on the changes I've made since getting cancer. I hope I'm a better person, more compassionate and sensitive. I recall vividly my inability to empathize (or maybe comprehend) when I'd hear of someone's diagnosis, death, or even the death or suffering of a relative when I was well. I took the death of a stray cat harder than most events. Lately I mourn friends' losses and suffering, and I have an overwhelming need to try to alleviate the suffering of those who can't seem to on their own (my brother, parents). Sometimes that's the hardest, as it's usually bourne of a problem with no solution. Death is that paradox, conferring relief and suffering simultaneously--to the departed and the survived. I suppose my death will be a relief, but I've got a bit of fight left. I probably need to reconsider how best to spend this time, though...
The days are waning, the rain has come, there's christmas stuff out on the costco floor...sigh.
Oh yeah, I did enjoy the Sausalito Art Festival, which really is about art (no doodads here). I usually go south on Labor Day weekend--it's my Dad's birthday, but I thought I'd be in full rash by then. See what happens when you try to plan for side effects? (Did I mention I cut my hair in anticipation of hair loss?)
$10 (until Cal-Cobra runs out in 17 months). Care to guess how fast I ripped this bottle open just now?
Sent from my iPhone
Going back on cancer drug Tarceva today, which is liver intensive. Not to mention the side effects (GI and otherwise). Kudos to the onc for sending an early Rx in response to a slight panic I felt after going to UC Davis and deciding not to enroll in a study there.
Well at least I drank a bunch of wine in Monterey this weekend. And, I'm feeling increasingly worse, so I'm ready. I just hope it works as well this time as last, and I hope the facial rash won't be worse (tho I don't know how much worse it could be).
I guess I better hurry and get that haircut/wax/massage!!
OMG, look at this! If you're as fanatic about ice cream as I am, you'll love this little link! I'm about to experiment with apricot-caramel ice cream so here goes!
*****
Brilliant, really well done. Even the hubs was drawn in, though this happened before he was even born. I know, right? But I think he could see the parallels with the recent republican administration.
This reinforces the idea that 2008 was a phenomenal year for films and outstanding performances. It was unfortunate for Langella to be up against Penn for the Best Actor Oscar. What an emotional performance...I think perhaps he deserved it. Anyway, fantastic film.
****
...plus maybe a half?
I saw the Maysles Brothers documentary in school, and was so intrigued, my classmates and I rewatched it a number of times. It's stranger than a Bunuel film in that it's true.
This version fills in all the questions left unanswered by the documentary. Terrific performances by Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange. The house didn't look as filthy as in the original, where you could "see" the stench. As expected, the hubs didn't get it at all, but was drawn in towards the end. (He thinks I'm weird)
****
This was strange and amazing. Completely imaginative. Reminded me of something along the lines of Metropolis and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Great for sci-fi geeks everywhere.
****
As expected, I liked this very much. Strange, dark, fun to watch. Perfect for those budding goths.
Old movie, says the hubs. It was on cable. I've not seen the others nor the game, so don't know the original premise.
This is sort of Matrix-y...sci-fi aliens and some metaphysical-quasi-scientific way to defeat them...it was alright. I wouldn't go to the movies to see it. Not bad television though.
** 1/2
Three usually means I like it, but since when does a Harry Potter movie not get its own post? Oh, woe is me and the franchise, starting with #5, OOTP (Order of the Phoenix).
This was slower than most, with some good special effects, if only they were actually related to actual events (or even likely events) from the book. I'm baffled by what is included and what isn't, and what they choose to contrive (which isn't consistent with the spirit of HP). The characters were weak in THBP, and the whole thing seemed sort of flat and bland. It was good to see Ron get some airtime again, but other than that, bleh. I planned to see it in IMAX 3D until I heard that only the first 20 minutes were actually shot in 3D...so what's the point. I saw OOTP 3 or 4 times, and paid 13 pounds to suffer in the 2nd row at the Odeon in London, just to find that indeed, I just didn't like it. So I doubt repeated viewings would render a different opinion of THBP. Bummer!
