One Step Beyond

This morning I awoke recalling a wonderful dream of an old friend Sara Burks, my brother's ex-girlfriend from Cal days. In the dream, we met at a scooter rally, and she beamed as she passed around her newly published monograph, which placed her among the - unbeknownst to me - many others in their crowd who were authors. (I've lost contact with her)

As dreams go, they never make any sense. My brother, sister, mom, and husband were also in the picture, playing all their usual roles - hubby had built a beautiful garden trellis, mom was admiring it, sister had something to do with food, and brother was frenetically digging up the crab grass with a shovel and mumbling to himself.

I always try to recall more of the dream, in this case the parts about the scooter rally. I enjoyed scooter rallies in my youth, and until recently, had a Vespa (now in my brother's scooter graveyard - another story). Out of nowhere, and very suddenly, came the memory of a horror! An old boyfriend - the one I blame for developing several of my personality flaws - had stolen a GS (the earliest Vespa model, now a collector's item) in San Francisco and transported it to his parents' house in Sonora...

It says something that I didn't leave him at that point. I had somehow become the worst incarnation of myself. He continued to commit unforgivable crimes - unmentionable acts - and yet I stayed, and suffered, and became an unwilling accessory by being an innocent, and victimized, bystander.

I shrink with disgust at the memory.

It's hard to imagine anything good about that relationship, now that all the bad bits have tainted the whole - even the beginning when it was innocent and true. He became such a monster, I was amazed every time I saw him. His mantra at the end was, "I'm not a bad person." He said it continually, as if to convince himself after every horrific deed. The very worst thing was, this went on for years. I wasted years (and my entire college career) fretting about this guy.

Anyway, I'm on to more and deeper thoughts and anxieties. It must be the Christmas season, bringing memories to the fore. I'm longing for some sort of closure and it's an itch I can't scratch. Just can't put my finger on it.

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Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T01:16:56Z

I'm sitting in Barnes & Noble, trying not to be overwhelmed by another materialistic holiday. I used to love Christmas, but these days it seems to have become one giant shopping/marketing frenzy. Makes me want to give everyone mathoms.

I want to withdraw from the madness and try to remember what the season's supposed to be about. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd want to take them to someplace beautiful, emphasize togetherness, and teach them charity for the poor by going to work at a food bank or something. I think I'd emphasize making crafts for presents, defining them as tokens of meaning, remembrance, and craftsmanship. That's what you do when you don't have money. Often a much more appreciated gift, especially now, when the economy is on the skids. Or (and I have many treasured gifts of this nature) hit the thrift shops and recycle.

All the spending makes me want to throw up.

This Thanksgiving, look around the table at your friends and loved ones, look into your heart, and give thanks for just how lucky we all really are.

This is my 4th Thanksgiving since being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I'm grateful beyond belief to be here, and thankful for all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sent from my iPhone

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What do you think

2009-11-23T22:31:02Z

Of TypePad Micro? Is it just another Facebook contender?

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Monthly compendium

2009-11-19T02:08:45Z

It seems like we're all in Reader's Digest mode these days. Has Vox lost its freshness, or are we just reticent to discuss the darkness that frames the days, or both? Are we wandering away to other networks? Facebook seems compelling, but once there I feel like, Meh-- Who cares? I don't post anything, but visit to see photos and goings-on of various and sundry friends. Sometimes it's more painful to get in touch with people I haven't seen in ages. When they ask what I've been up to, do I say, "Trying to stay alive for the past 3 years...hanging on for a cure to cancer?" Yeah, that's a real conversation starter.

So, what have I been doing...?

Cancer - I had a CT scan on Oct. 16 and finally saw my oncologist on Nov. 4. The report didn't mention the new nodules in the right lung seen in July, just that there was a "slight interval decrease" in the left lung tumor. So it would appear the Tarceva is working, for now. I'm losing gobs of hair, and the nasty sores on the scalp and legs...I've graduated from leopard to cheetah on the spotted front. I won't bore you with the other stuff (gums receding, nose continuously running, dry & horrifically itchy skin, etc). I feel ok, otherwise.

Cooking - I've been doing alot of this. Not sure why. I'm cooking things I would normally not - roasted tomato and french onion soup, for instance. Or French macarons, which were insane (although I was successful, surprisingly), and homemade pizza. It's fun though, and I've visited bazillions of food blogs, none of which are on Vox (some on TypePad). I'm acquiring cooking tools, which is contrary to my attempts to organize and simplify my life. I actually went to a restaurant supply warehouse in an attempt to one-stop-shop (failed).

Media - I'm definitely getting my money's worth from Netflix (see movies in sidebar). I only posted the ones I really liked. Although I saw films like GI Joe: Return of Cobra, The Proposal, Transformers (the last one), Land of the Lost (really bad) --- they aren't worthy of inclusion in the "library", but if you must see them, make a load of popcorn. Star Trek was super fun to watch.

I haven't been able to sit and read anything all the way through. My reading habits are ADD at best - I skim bits and pieces of non-fiction then jump over and insult fiction the same way. I should just return all the damn books to the library and give in. I never did start NaNoWriMo. I might've if it was National Food Cooking Month. Maybe I should've just done that - written down what I made each day, except I was so exhausted afterwards.

The Hubby's finally got a diving partner again - the guy next door. That guy runs about 13 miles/day and goes to the gym on the weekends. Now Hubby's decided to start going to the gym and wants to lose weight. He berates me for cooking all these rich foods lately, but is unhappy when deprived. I find myself hungry after having soup and salad for dinner. It's like having the starter and the ending without the main course. If the bread and cheese is omitted, I'm digging in the fridge an hour later. I guess I won't be losing any weight. Besides, it's the holidays!

Yeah I'm sorta perky. Don't know why except I'm not in constant pain. I do get tired quickly, and it's frustrating to have a project list that remains the same day after day. Some days I just want to lie around and read without the tv being on (it's maddeningly always on when the hubby's in the room). Other days I know I should be doing administrative things (social security), but the day flies by so quickly and it's time to make dinner...I'm not complaining, by the way. I just wonder where the days go.

I know I should be doing end of life stuff, but I'm not. I guess when I go, everything'll just fade away...I'll think about that tomorrow ;)

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Live in the NOW, now.

2009-11-04T01:42:40Z

It's 4:30 on Tuesday, Nov. 3rd, which is significant if one plans to participate in NaNoWriMo. I've spent most of the day organizing Hub's maddening sock drawer and uploading photos to Facebook. At one point I considered discarding FB - it's a time sucker and my brain's not geared that way (I barely even get on). FB's immediacy is scary - the instant I post anything, there are comments (not that it matters). I'd be better off posting a cry for help on FB than use a cell phone. I'd achieve greater simultaneous coverage and have a better chance at being rescued. So I'm keeping the account, removing the privacy cloak, and actually trying to be social. Sort of. I posted some photos, a drop in the bucket compared to my Vox posts. Coming here to read my long-winded rants seems to pain non-Voxers...but I like that about it. And I like this format (even though it seems increasingly unstable, Vox!)...so until I figure out my WordPress situation, here I stay.

It's been so long since my last real post. The many various and sundry things that rolled around in my brain the last month have evaporated into the ether. I just wonder if I can really do NaNoWriMo. I tried it back in '06, right after I was diagnosed, but couldn't escape the grip that death and cancer had on my imagination. I'm still somewhat in that grip -- I had a scan two weeks ago and have the oncology appointment tomorrow. There was a slight decrease in the left lung tumor, but no mention of the right lung activity seen in July. I don't think Tarceva's as aggressive as my doctor would like to be, but we're conscious of diminishing options in chemo. So there's some concern.

I feel like an idiot for wasting my six-month chemo break on house hunting. I look back on the futility of it all and get angry, which isn't a way I get anymore. The realtor emailed last night, asking if we wanted to start again, and I wanted to flip her off. She irritated me during that last ordeal, and I'm done with her, although she stuck it out for 8 months with us. We found all the houses, and all she had to do was open a few doors and write up the offers (9). It wasn't for lack of trying and I could feel bad, but I really don't. I feel worse about wasting my good health on such an activity. (Yes, I also feel bad about housework but I get immediate gratification from that)

We're on hiatus from house hunting. It's trade show and holiday season, so there's travelling to be done (YAY!). I bought a wardrobe from IKEA (after two years I now have a closet), a dutch oven (not a Le Creuset, so tune in for reviews), and seriously, it's time for a new bed, premium cable channels, and faster internet. I could pass away before we buy a house, so I should enjoy the amenities of a home, here. Now. Also, I bought some lovely mugs from the Danville Crafts Fair, made by Oakland potter Rose Lee.

Siamese mugs

Don't they look like my cats?

Siamesepottery

We are Siamese, if you please

I slow-roasted almost all the Roma tomatoes from the garden (1 plant). Takes all day, but they taste incredible, truly.

We planted late - in April, after realizing the house hunt might take longer - so there are some stragglers left. They're all pale, rather vampirish-looking things. I should pick them and put them out of their misery.

What else? Watched some movies...saw Where The Wild Things Are at the Alameda Theatre (designed by Timothy Pflueger of Paramount and Castro Theatre fame). Beautiful art deco theatre, convenient to all things Alameda.

Started a number of books (see sidebar). I think my favorite is The Book Thief...

Maybe I should just concentrate on posting more often. Not sure I have 1800 words/day in me. Hoping everyone's enjoying a lovely autumn, with spiced cider, turning leaves, and the promise of comfort to warm cold days ahead.

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Discovered

2009-11-03T23:32:20Z

...at Feel Good Bakery in the Alameda Marketplace!!!!

The evil cookie case

French macarons

I used to call it Feel Bad Bakery because the staff were so grumpy and unfriendly. Well they still are but I have to put up with it AND pay $2/piece for these suckers because they are SOOOO GOOOOOOD. Especially the blackberry ones (lavender, in the middle there). The green tea and chocolate orange ones are interesting, as well.

They are, however, a bit too sweet, and slightly larger than Miette's (which lack the bright colors and are $1.50/piece but the buttercream filling is delicious!).

Can you say HEAVEN?

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I'm that robot

2009-10-13T18:13:26Z

How to Buy a Bank-Owned Home

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